Wednesday 23 August 2006
Fizzy Shandy Cup 1st Round, k.o 7.45pm
Brighton and Hove Albion 1
Boston United 0
Brighton – Kuipers, Reid, Santos, Lynch, Mayo, Cox, Hammond, Carpenter, Stokes (Loft 63), Revell, Robinson (Gatting 63).
Subs: Elphick, Sullivan, Gatting, Loft, Rents
Boston – Marriot, Canoville, Ellender (Farrell 85), Greaves, Ryan, N’Guessan, Holland, Talbot (Forbes 86), Galbraith (Clarke 78), Davidson, Tait.
Subs: Forbes, Kirby, Farrell, Albrighton, Clarke
Referee: Paul Taylor
So, who are we going to sign on loan from Brighton then? It is, after all, precisely one year to the day since Boston were undone by an Ian Ross goal at (now Premiership spin spin spin) Sheffield United. Ross famously(ish) joined Steve Evans’ merry band of uncultured hoof-ball merchants just days later on a loan deal, and was one of the few bright spots in an otherwise lacklustre season. Which naturally begs the question: which Albion reserve player is going to step up to the plate tonight and land himself a six month sentence at Staffsmartville? Alex Revell? Perhaps Marriott will have a howler and we’ll recruit Kuipers again. Oh, the joys of the Fizzy Shandy Cup.
A little history. The aforementioned defeat at Bramall Lane in 2005 was just the latest in a line of early round exits in the competition, the memorable 4-3 win over Luton in 2004 being the sole exception. Prior to that, the Pilgrims had at lost at home to (Premiership spin spin!!) Reading (1-3), and Cardiff (1-5). Thanks to the Luton win, Boston did meet genuine Premiership opposition in the shape of soon-to-be-relegated Fulham, but were ditched out with relative ease.
For their part, Albion possess an even worse recent record in the competition having registered three consecutive first round defeats (in reverse order: away at Shrewsbury 2-3, at home to Brighton 1-2, and away to Middlesbrough 0-1). Their last win came against Exeter in 2002.
impsTALK is plumping for a Boston win, if only to offer a tantalising glimpse of what United are capable of – but not able to pull off in anything other than a tinpot trophy. That’s the way it’s supposed to work, right?
Teams just as soon as they’re available. Don’t forget to send your
e-mails to impsTALK at the above link. Mr Two Bob Bit Worthless Supporter sent his first in 24 hours ago, still bemoaning the lack of cheerleaders: “Sir, what is happening? I am sat here watching the screen, I see that there are no dancing cheerleaders as I suggested. However keep up the excellent work.”
Well Two Bob, I was planning on posting a small, yet inoffensive, cheerleader picture, just for you, but forgot I’d removed the Safe Search option on Google Images for some unfathomable reason. It wasn’t pretty (well, I suppose it depends on your definition of ‘pretty’….).
While you wait….
Brighton. Hmm. Not exactly a fixture that invokes much in the way of emotion in yer average Boston fan, mainly because our meetings with the Withdean exiles have been limited to cup ties. It’s not really Gainsborough Trinity in the Unibond Presidents Cup, eh? But still…. be excited. If we win this, we could well land Sunderlan- ah no, they’re out. Ok, Fores- crap, they’re gone too. Scunthorpe then.
It is a mere 1023 days since we lost to Albion in the Vans Trophy thanks to two ‘silver’ goals (remember those?). The team that day? Bastock, Hogg, Hocking, Greaves, Beevers, Thompson, Clarke, Redfearn, Weatherstone, Duffield, Ellender. Subs: Douglas, Chapman, Sutch, Potter, Croudson.
Other than that, no history to spin out, no scores to settle, no grudges. Nowt. We did have that Kuipers bloke on loan last season, but what can you honestly say about him. He stood where goalkeepers normally stand at Boston – halfway up the pitch – saved a few, flapped at a few, and buggered off back. Of course, it wasn’t until he had long gone that allegations surrounding Boston’s 4-2 defeat at Carlisle (i.e we threw the match) surfaced, with Kuipers’ mad dash up to the penalty box in the final minutes coming under particular scrutiny. No case to answer. He did sprint back. Damn.
Brighton lost at Forest at the weekend, but by all accounts were unfortunate not to leave the City Ground with at least a point. They won’t be too concerned; they’re already off the mark both at home and away, with 1-0 wins over Rotherham and Gillingham under their belts. Oh yes. Just sit back and fantasise about that for a moment dear reader: an away win…. drooool, dribble…
Players: Kuipers aside, only one with any vague United connections. Alex Revell was supposedly a target of ours after spanking an illegal number of goals with Braintree last season.
Other not-at-all connected Brighton links
We won’t bore you with tedious drivel about how cool Brighton is etc, yes it’s probably a nicer patch of coastline real estate than Freiston Shore, but do they have Britain’s Best Butcher? Nope, I thought not.
Tim Vincent Photography
Brighton’s Magnificent Sewers
Tinpot Cup – Michael Hortin puts it to Chris Cook that League Two managers can’t afford to employ squad rotation in the Fizzy Shandy Cup. He forgets that Notts County, or That’s What I Call Boston United 2005 Mix, beat Crystal Palace at Selhurst Park last night after doing exactly that.
Team news – Not exactly wholesale changes. The most notable absentee is a certain Mark Albrighton. That’ll be those individual errors. Tait and Davidson up front. Greaves moves to the back. 15 minutes to kick-off. The Withdean is echoing to the sound of mass apathy.
The teams – Brighton: Kuipers, Reid, Santos, Lynch, Mayo, Cox, Hammond, Carpenter, Stokes, Revell, Robinson. Subs: Elphick, Sullivan, Gatting, Loft, Rents
Boston: Marriot, Canoville, Ellender, Greaves, Ryan, N’Guesson, Holland, Talbot, Galbraith, Davidson, Tait. Subs: Forbes, Kirby, Farrell, Albrighton, Clarke
More team news – Also out of tonight’s mammoth fixture is Scott fuggin’ Dalton. That’s a bigger loss than no Elding, I’m telling you. Unless he’s actually cursed (which is entirely possible given the number of times I listen to him commentating on another United defeat), in which case we could well do with Michael Hortin doing a Barry Fry and urinating on all four corners of the ex-match day magazine contributor.
Dedicated – Fifty Boston fans have made the trip according to BBC Lincs. Cookie reckons we’ll draw 1-1 and go into extra time.
Kick-off! – We’re underway, in what sounds like, er… well, total silence.
5 mins – Galbraith has a speculative shot as Boston apply a little pressure on the home side. It really is deathly quiet.
7 mins – Villa 0-1 Reading, not that you care. I certainly don’t. Brighton are set up as a 4-3-3, Boston a 4-4-2. Brighton have started brightly, and have forced a couple of corners, but no real chances by either side as yet.
9 mins – Tactical genius Steve Evans is already screaming instructions from the bench, completely ignoring the ‘SILENCE’ notices around the ground. Paul Raynor looks up at him irritably as he works on Chapter 53 of his novel. Meanwhile, a game of football may or may not be happening in the distance somewhere beyond the athletics track.
11 mins – ‘ImpsTalk is a big pile of shat From Mr N. Townie, Norfolk, near Bostonshire oh-ha-ha-ha ha-ha-ha-ha’ says someone who is most definitely NOT Norfolk Townie.
14 mins – Absolutely nothing is happening.
15 mins – ….except Brighton miss a sitter to take the lead! Tony Stokes JUST misses, punting the ball past the right hand post. Let off for Boston.
16 mins – Galbraith’s free kick is struck straight at the Albion wall… the home side break but Ryan hoofs it clear.
17 mins – “Hey, I tell you what, these spectators are lucky it’s not raining!” chuckles whoever this is commentating instead of Dalton, from the smug security of his covered commentary position. From the sounds of it, these fans were lucky to even get tickets for this humdinger.
18 mins – “I can report that New Jersey is currently *not* buzzing with excitement about the Brighton vs Boston game. Just thought you ought to know in case Evans claims otherwise in his post-match interview…” says Andy Sandall. Nor, it appears, is Brighton. Or Boston.
25 mins – “It’s a penalty!” Chris Cook exclaims, as the referee doesn’t give a penalty. Yaaaaaawn. What’s going on elsewhere…. ? Er…. nothing. No goals anywhere as yet, except at Villa Park. Only a booking for some bloke called Hazell at Chesterfield. It really is that exciting.
29 mins – Just 57% possession for the home side. Michael Hortin is so bored he’s talking about breaded mushrooms.
32 mins – Boro 0-1 Chelsea. Shevchenko.
40 mins – This is painful. Extremely painful. Scott Dalton will be cackling into his brew back in Lincolnshire.
42 mins – CHANCE! Davidson is crowded out by home defenders after a great cross by N’Guessan, who is Boston’s best player of the half.
Half time – Brighton 0, Boston 0. Boston can be happy with their efforts so far, a solid enough performance. Steve Evans, despite nothing really happening, is still berating the match officials for something. What could it possibly be? The disappointing profit warning issued today by camping chain Blacks? Still, the Pilgrims aren’t losing three-nil and can be hopeful of getting a result if they persevere. Of course, it’s the second-half capitulations you have to be careful of as far as the Pilgrims are concerned.
HALF-TIME – Picture time 3:
Catastrophe – “Had a very eventful first half, my back door has leaked some water, stick that on the commentary!” says Adam Upsall. Tell me about it. I just discovered a small sea – complete with waves, tides and a tacky seaside resort – upstairs after the rain swept in through an open window. Anyone else suffered some domestic disaster due to the aquatic conditions? Anyone care to distract us from the game with some tale of woe?
45 mins – We’re underway once again. Hurrah.
51 mins – Something happened that excited the crowd, i.e I believe I heard someone raise their voice, but I was far too busy admiring Adam Hildred’s picture [below] of Steve Evans being knighted to notice exactly what was going on:
54 mins – “Laid up in bed with a nasty abscess,” says Dale Allitt. “97% of the doctors say the antibiotics should do the trick. C’mon you yellows!”
56 mins – CHANCE!! N’Guesssiooioann’s shot fizzes over Kuiper’s bar! The lad could well prove to be the difference tonight. ‘A class act’ according to Radio Lincs, who really have little idea how to pronounce his name.
57 mins – Tonight’s attendance: 2533. 58 from Boston. Not a bad guess from the BBC boys
63 mins – Chance for Brighton! Robinson’s turn and shot has Marriot scrabbling across his area…. but it’s wide. Double subs from Brighton. Stokes off for Loft. Gatting replaces Robinson. It’s Mike Gatting’s nephew, reveals Hortin. He’s obviously been hanging onto that little snippet all day.
65 mins – “Hoofed forward by Canoville…..” says this Dalton imposter. If I had a quid….
67 mins – Free kick for Brighton in a dangerous position – just over! Corner for the home side. Greaves clears.
68 mins – Adam Upsall quotes BBC Radio Southern Counties: First bloke – ‘Tait with a headed chance’. Second bloke – ‘Well, it was a mile wide…’
73 mins GOAL! Brighton 1, Boston 0 – Reid scores for Brighton from right back. More slack defending from United as they allow him to run… and run… and run… and score. Sigh.
74 mins – I think I heard someone cheer the goal, but don’t hold me to it.
76 mins – Mr Two Bit makes a belated appearance: “How many dead people are in the crowd?” he asks. “How many times will Evans throw his hands in the air. Since when has Roy Keane been a “world class manager” as he is supposed to be their next manager. Bugger thought Evans was going there.”
78 mins – Galbraith off for Clarke. Hortin reckons he spotted Galbraith hurling a water bottle in frustration. Oo-er! “SACK EVANS SACK EVANS SACK EVANS , ok keep him then,” says the now prolific Mr Two Bit. “How come it sounds a good game on Sky, or are they talking it up.” Nope, they’re just better at this than me.
81 mins – More stunning artwork:
86 mins – The usual ‘Boo, rubbish’ texts are now flooding into the BBC. Subs. Ellender off, Farrell on. Forbes, who is about three years old, is now on in place of Talbot, and is playing up front in a 3-4-3. Farrell is playing attacking-left-wingback-sweeper-half, or something. Let’s have some more pictures:
90 mins – 3 minutes of injury time. Cookie reckons Forbes is looking totally out of his depth. Of course he is. He should still be playing with crayons and lego.
90+1 mins – Boston aren’t going to salvage this.
PEEP PEEP PEEEEEEEEP!! – It’s all over at the Withdean and it’s Brighton who progress in the Fizzy Shandy Cup. A much better performance from United, insofar as they didn’t get a beating, but no real edge to them in the final third. If only we had a Julian Joachim.
Final thoughts – “Load of old arse” – Adam Upsall’s review of the second half……that’s official. Two Bit says: “Mind you a few years ago we would never have played teams like this. It is all thanks to Evans and his AHEM good way of getting us promoted and saving money by getting rid off players.”
Another defeat, yet no-one really gives a stuff, do they? Maybe not, but losing, again, means it’s just one win in five competitive games now. It’s Franchise FC (spit) up next on Saturday. Another defeat and it’s time to start getting seriously worried. Thanks for all your e-mails, and most of all, all yer artistic efforts. Until next time…..