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What IS a Wenger View?
You’ve queued patiently at the ticket office and presented the drooling idiot behind the smeared, ancient Perspex with an obscene amount of money for two tickets to a dreadful football match, because you have absolutely nothing better to do on a Saturday afternoon (or, if BT Sport are covering the match, the early hours of a Monday morning).
You’ve waited patiently at the turnstile while several stewards impersonate decapitated chickens, evidently stunned that people are attempting to enter the ground.
You’ve stood patiently as a bug-eyed bouncer frisks you for pyro before rooting through your girlfriend’s bag for heinously offensive weapons, like a bottle of Sprite with the cap on, or a Twix.
You’ve queued patiently for a sullen teenage truant working on the refreshment counter – a counter that, judging by the slow service, seems somewhat surprised by the presence of a crowd at a football match – to relieve you of £8.90 in exchange for a plastic bottle of luke-warm lager and a stale meat pie.
You’ve queued patiently to relieve yourself in the toilets, once you’ve managed to step over the rat corpses and victims overcome by the rancid, shit-fug fumes.
You’ve eventually found your seat, no thanks to the steward who is too busy telling people not to take photos to actually assist you..
You look towards the pitch….
….and you can’t see a FUCKING thing.
Welcome to The Wenger View.
The purest definition of a Wenger View is the complete inability to see a football pitch at crucial defining moments – such as when a match is taking place – despite your theoretical proximity to the turf.
What causes Wenger Views?
Classic Wenger Views can be caused by supporting pillars, poorly positioned seats, low roofs or fat people. They can be caused also by sheer distance: you might technically be inside the Camp Nou watching a game, but if you’ve been located at the back of the top tier you may as well be watching the game from Venus.
What constitutes an authentic Wenger View is certainly a subjective topic, and one open to debate. That said, there are come important exclusions. If, for example, you arrive at a ground only to find the home team have run out of tickets for away fans, simply staring at the walls of the stadium does not count.
The general rule of thumb is that if you can see at least 10% of the action, you, my friend, are in a Wenger View DEFCON 1. Any less than 10% and you’ve either been ejected from the ground or are face down with a policeman sat on top of you. That’s called resisting arrest, and frankly we want nothing to do with it.
To check if you are in a Wenger View situation, you merely need to remember the Wenger View Checklist.
1. Is something happening? YES/NO
If YES, proceed to 2. If NO, you may return to bed.
2. Should you be able to see what is happening? YES/NO
If YES, proceed to 3. If NO, you’re trespassing.
3. DID YOU FUCKING SEE THAT!!?? WOW!!!!!!!! CONTROVERSIAL!!!! YES/NO
If YES, Wenger View not applicable. If NO, congratulations! You are either Mr A. Wenger, or stuck behind a huge, immovable obstruction.
Other Qualifying Wenger Views
Wenger Views can actually occur in many walks of life, essentially where an expected view is inexplicably obscured:-
Any sporting venue
Pub football screening
Gig or festival (although it must be noted here that simply being at the back of a large group of people is not permissible)
It’s the 21st century – are Wenger Views an endangered species?
You bet they are.
There are many things that could conceivably be described as the ‘scourge’ of modern football: Alan Shearer, Shaun Custis, Real Madrid, Andy Gray, MK Dons, FIFA, Tim Lovejoy, The FA, Richard Scudamore, John Batchelor, Pride Park, FIFA Soccer 2009, internet messageboards, Martin Samuel, self-indulgent autobiographies, witless casuals and Spoony to name but seventeen.
But by far the worst is the scourge of modern stadiums, a scourge that threatens the very survival of our finest Wenger Views. These soulless bowls are everything that right-minded people should despise.
They offer perfect sight-lines from practically anywhere in the stadium for a start, an abhorrence of the highest order. However, now that we’re in the midst of the greatest economic catastrophe since money was invented in 23536 B.C., it’s likely that most future stadium development projects will be put on hold – which is good news for the Wenger View.