‘Morbid curiosity’ expected to pull big audience

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‘Morbid curiosity’ expected to pull big audience

Ghoulish sightseers have long gorged themselves on explicit videos of beheadings, shooting, bombings, executions, shotgun suicides and huge nose tumours, but tomorrow they will have another horrorshow to feast their eyes on: Boston entertaining Lincoln City at the Staffsmart Arena™ (k.o 7.45pm).

After announcing, exclusively to impsTALK yesterday, the launch of Boston United GOLD®, the club have today been billing tomorrow’s clash as a ‘repulsive derby mauling’ at the hands of a rampant Lincoln City, who have won seven away games on the trot. In contrast, Boston have not made seven consecutive tackles since 2003.

“Not to be viewed by those of a nervous disposition!” one match poster exclaimed, predicting United fans would be left shell-shocked by what they would see. Perhaps even nauseous.

Traditional fans have been trying to avoid attending the game like the plague, fearful of the beating the Imps are set to dole out. Important Boston fan Bob Mugfret-Fishhead said he was ‘washing his hair’, BUSA boss Dale Allitt is ‘97% certain’ to be shopping at ASDA, and Little Bobby Shattocks has been grounded by his alcoholic coal-miner father.

Nevertheless, the Pilgrims hope they can attract enough people simply curious about disaster, tragedy and anguish.

“We’re cashing in on the morbid curiosity market,” club chairman Crazee Jimmy Rodwell confirmed to impsTALK. “We’re after the kind of people who whip out their camera phones after road traffic accidents to take photos before they even contemplate dialling 999. The kind of people who set reminders to watch Air Crash Investigation.

“You only have to look at the demand for the Steve Eva- er, I mean, Irwin death video to see we live in a sick society, so we know the demand is there. We’d be fools not to take advantage, fools.”

Addressing a baying mob in Market Place this morning, Rodwell chanted: “Do you want to see PAIN? Do you want to see SUFFERING!??” Spurred on by chants of ‘Yeah!’ and ‘Bring on the sickness!’, Crazee Jimmy then began dishing out free tickets to the game, promising the new breed of fans they would see some ‘real hard –to-swallow shit’.

Graham Yoghurt, 19, told impsTALK: “I’m not really a football fan but I might go to this. I’m expecting to see some real hardcore pain.”

Another new fan, Willy Track, 22, said he would get into trouble with his girlfriend if he went, but the temptation was too much to resist. “I hear the opposition fans will outnumber the Boston lot by ten to one, and are expecting ten goals by half-time at least,” he said. “Fi doesn’t like me watching this kind of stuff. She says I’ll get immune to it and become some kind of psycho. It’s going to be amazing.”

The club hopes their marketing ploy will help push the number of home fans over the 500 mark. With Lincoln City fans expected to roll out the classic chants during the game, including the famous ‘Steve Evans is a cheating criminal scumbag’, all is set for a rocking atmosphere at the Staffsmart Arena™.

The stupidly-named Boston United fanzine.
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