Vocal football fans of nineteen of the Premier League’s twenty clubs, as well as thirteen inexplicably disgruntled supporters of Halesowen Town, are all absolutely sick to fucking death of Daily Telegraph football writer Bob Tower, it has been revealed.
Tower, a veteran journalist with over three decades’ experience covering football matches for national newspapers, has been attracting increasing volumes of electronic opprobrium since he was forced to join Twitter and publish his username in his byline.
Tower’s latest shambolic excuse for journalism, which fans absolutely cannot believe he gets paid for, occurred in his pre-season preview for Chelsea, in which he referred to Nemanja Matić’s loan spell at ADO Den Haag in 2010/2011. In fact, Matić was loaned to Vitesse Arnham, and although the mistake was quickly spotted and rectified, Castle’s error drew withering criticism from an army of juvenile cretins, all of whom would cannibalise their own mothers for a chance to make cups of tea for Tower at the Telegraph offices.
“ffs tower with your anti Chelsea agenda, someones going to fucking spark you one off these days cunt,” remarked FIFABoyCFC78, whose profile was comprised primarily of an inappropriately resized montage of Chelsea players, repeated use of the word ‘banter’ and a photograph of an 18 year old cock-puppet on a night out with his equally repulsive friends in Tiger Tiger.
Other fans were similarly unimpressed with Tower’s blatant anti-Chelsea bias.
“lol u prick bet ur gets fucked in the arse off by king Kenny,” tweeted matty633, a socially inadequate, partly illiterate and perennially confused imbecile who, having never having witnessed a Chelsea game with his own eyes, would willingly fellate a partially decomposed badger in exchange for one trip to a real-world Premier League press box.
The latest round of verbal assaults directed at the hapless Tower have arrived swiftly in the wake of his ill-judged tweet last week in which he expressed mild, and devastatingly innocuous, surprise at Robin Van Persie having been allowed to skip Manchester United’s pre-season tour of the US. “fuck off you vile Chelsea-loving twat, go back to rimming Mourinho,” objected RaffyLad87, who had briefly taken a break from tweeting the Vagenda’s Holly Baxter to inform her he intended to ejaculate into her left ear.
Tower’s subsequent opinion that Van Gaal, for all his merits, may struggle to perform the necessary surgery to transform United’s squad into genuine title contenders was countered just as vociferously. “Im going to kill you, cut ur face off and play golf with yoe eyesballs you pro-Liverpool prikc” was the generous appraisal from AntonMUFC4Eva, who lives with his mother in Jakarta and used to support Arsenal until 2008.