What’s the mat-ter Jon?

What’s the mat-ter Jon?

Sotnick searching for missing plans

impsTALK wins worst headline 2006 award

Sinister Lavaflow chairman Jon Sotnick is today busily scouring pubs across the West Midlands for a series of missing beer mats following the startling revelation from Boston Borough Council that the relocation business plan submitted to them was incomplete.

Lavaflow are believed to have submitted six Carlsberg beermats from The Head and Butt public house in Willenhall with a further three handy cardboard beverage placeholders being abandoned somewhere near Essington.

But the council needs those three missing beer mats before any planning decision can be made.

Boston town planning officer, Viktor Bobskonovski, told impsTALK: “Bah! Comrade Jon is missing three more mats. Council more info require! Planning succeed with no return of missing plan? Niet!”

The news has stunned Lavaflow board members, who were complacently going about their business expecting all four seamless plans to be approved without hitch.

“I was swimming in my lake of pure gold when I heard the news,” one anonymous board member said. “I immediately donned my silk pants and called Jon on my phone made of solid diamond to tell him the news. He said ‘we must find those mats!’ and got Woodcock to drive him to the nearest pub in the jet car.”

impsTALK sources located in the West Midlands have since reported Sotnick entering various public houses in a state of frenzied panic.

Important West Midlands resident Igor Mugfret-Fishhead told impsTALK he barely escaped from the clutches of a snarling Sotnick as he turned over tables and chairs in the Bouncing Cheque pub in Gospel End. “It was a close thing all right,” Mugfret-Fishhead said. “He was growling like a vicious animal and had fire in his eyes.”

The landlord of the Massive Rent Arrears bar in Wolverhampton, Gunther McTongditch, called police after Sotnick began pitching customers out of the front doors. “I don’t fancy his chances,” McTongditch said. “I hear those mats he wants date back to 2004. No chance. My guess is he needs a new plan.”

The stupidly-named Boston United fanzine.
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