So… we didn’t make the play-offs. Not even close.
Gazza came. Gazza swiftly left. Andy Kirk joined. Andy Kirk swiftly left. Beevers left. Everyone bloody left. The fans gave up after Evans gave up. Sotnick let rip at Dalton……. Yeah – what a season.
Let impsTALK take you back through the season that was 04/05, in all its soul crushing disappointment. Progress or not… you decide.
July 2004
Derek Lilley, Boston’s major transfer coup alongside Andy Kirk, decides to leave the club after his wife attempts to ‘do lunch’ with up-market, wine-drinking, Edinburgh loving friends in the Indian Queen. impsTALK tries to arrange an interview with Mrs Lilley but backs off when hit by an air rifle pellet.
Steve Evans shrugs off the departure. ‘We’re gunning for the play-offs, at least,’ he says. ‘This is going to be the best season ever.’
Shaun Byne, of West Ham, agrees a one year deal with the Pilgrims, but then decides against joining the club after his London-loving girlfriend attempts a shopping spree in Boston town centre.
‘Mr Evans said Pescod was going to be as big, if not bigger, than Bluewater. It’s not even built yet,’ says Byrne. ‘And Oldrids is NOT a branch of Harrods, I found out today. Boy, I’m in trouble with the missus.’ impsTALK tries to arrange an interview with Byrne’s partner but backs off when hit by an air rifle pellet.
Jason Lee, all sixteen feet of him, signs up for the Play-Offs Express. All aboard!
Boston United demand the final payment of Daryl Clare’s transfer fee from Chester City, who are unable to take Jon Sotnick seriously given Boston don’t have a great record when it comes to stumping up cash themselves.
Steve Evans dismisses any interest in journeyman striker Martin Carruthers. ‘He’s shit,’ Evans tells impsTALK.
Evans signs Martin Carruthers.
Evans also rules out re-signing Daryl Clare. ‘He’s even worse than Carruthers,’ Evans says.
Boston United make a £70,000 bid for Daryl Clare.
Boston United are in the media spotlight once again – and this time they’ve not actually been caught cheating. Paul Gascoigne agrees to become a player coach, and then promptly dies of a ‘stomach ulcer’. Almost.
August 2004
United get thrashed 0-3 at Stevenage Borough in a pre-season friendly. ‘That’s it, we’re finished, we’re not good enough, we’ll just play out the rest of the season,’ says a despondent Steve Evans.
Boston try to flash the cash, making £100k+ bids for 132 different Scottish strikers, all of which are rejected. In his frustration, Evans signs up Kings Lynn striker David Staff, whose girlfriend is quite happy to move to Boston for some reason.
Future League One side Boston face Oxford United in their season opener. A crowd of 3596 squeeze into a dilapidated York Street and are wowed by Oxford’s Rob Wollaston; big hair, small skills. Sub Lee Thompson settles the game in Boston’s favour. ‘I should imagaine I’ve done enough to command a regular first team place,’ Thompson says.
Losses against Yeovil and Cheltenham, along with disappointing draws with Grimsby and Macclesfield leave the Pilgrims lagging behind the leaders.
More Scottish action: Evans signs up Tam (or Tom) McManus on loan from Hibs, who cries when he leaves his mum and dad behind in cosmopolitan Scotland.
‘I can’t tell you how delighted I am to be here,’ sobs McManus from his hotel room.
Andy Kirk makes slow progress returning from injury, knocking a few hundred thousand off his sell-on price.
September 2004
Boston’s win at home to Cambridge makes it two in a row, prompting scenes of astonishing jubilation in the streets around York Street. Steve Evans’ squad are paraded around Boston the following day in an open top bus and are granted a civic reception by the council.
‘Are you watching Lincoln?’ Evans bellows to 125,000 United fans in Market Place. ‘This club was nothing until I showed up… NOTHING!’ In the excitement, violence erupts. Six Boston Town fans are arrested after setting fire to a police car and looting Millets for essential fashion items.
Boston claim an amazing win over Champions League contenders Luton Town, who saw striker Andriy Shevchenko sent off moments before Boston score the winning goal. ‘Incredible…. Just incredible,’ mutters a bewildered Scott Dalton.
United have a £40,000 bid for an unknown midfielder accepted. ‘He’ll be playing for us at Lincoln,’ Jon Sotnick confidently predicts, although the deal is never heard of again. Much like the York Street scoreboard that fans have been waiting four years for.
0-2 down with five minutes remaining, Boston stun local rivals BBC Radio Lincoln City with a stunning, stunning two goal stunning blitz. Stunning.
Boston fans celebrate as though they’ve just tonked the Imps 75-0, but another horrific performance leaves important Boston fan Bob Mugfret-Fishhead calling for Steve Evans’ head. ‘Call this progress!?’ Mugfret-Fishhead screams at Evans, before being brained with a crowbar by the benign Lincoln City stewards.
Premiership giants Fulham visit York Street and win 4-1. ‘That’s it, we’re not good enough, we’ll just play out the rest of the season,’ says a demoralised Steve Evans after the game.
Cambridge dump Boston out of the LDV Vans Trophy with a 1-0 win at York Street. ‘Good team,’ says Steve Evans. ‘They’ll be battling for the play-offs, mark my words.’
Martin Carruthers is an Imp after Evans swaps him for Dean West. ‘Told you he was rubbish,’ Evans sneers at impsTALK.
October 2004
Boston beat promotion rivals Scunthorpe United 2-1 courtesy of a last minute rocket from Matt O’Halloran, who can’t believe it. ‘I don’t believe it,’ he says in the dressing room. Andy Kirk, substituted with 15 minutes left, allegedly whispers a sinister threat to O’Halloran.
‘That’s the last goal you’ll ever score, you sack of thistle waste… I’m nearing match fitness,’ Kirk is reputed to have said.
Boston lose at Southend and scrape a draw at Bury, but manage a win at home against Tony Adams’ Wycombe, Andy Kirk staying true to his word by scoring twice. The win sends Boston to within three points of top spot, causing Boston chairman Jon Sotnick to paint himself in pure gold, build a diamond encrusted throne and declare himself King of The Universe.
Bad news: Paul Gascoigne leaves the Pilgrims following his near death experience with his ‘stomach ulcer’.
‘I have a new found lust for life, the world and the people who I share this Earth with,’ Gascoigne reveals as he departs to film a political documentary in Uzbekistan.
Paul Bastock leaves the club after failing to displace Nathan Abbey as first choice goalkeeper. The all-time appearances record holder leaves training by a side gate but no-one notices he’s missing for several days, by which time he’s played for Scarborough, Dagenham, St Albans, Notts County, River Plate, DC United, Perth Glory and the New York Yankees.
Boston sign Luke McCormick from Plymouth on loan as a replacement. ‘I’m actually a left winger,’ McCormick insists. ‘Please don’t put me in goal.’
A trip to Meadow Lane – with McCormick in goal – produces yet another dismal Boston defeat, but fans are at least treated to Evan’s spectacular rage live on BBC radio after referee Paul Melin decides against dismissing Rob Ullathorne for a tackle on Andy ‘match fit’ Kirk. Evans hurls eight pizzas and five apple turnovers at Ullathorne in the tunnel, but succeeds only in striking a grateful Joe Kinnear at the nearby City Ground.
Jon Sotnick reiterates the need for a new ground in a bid to divert attention from Steve Evans, who makes a comical bid to lure Darren Anderton to York Street. Sotnick agrees to a base jump from the Stump wearing only an Ann Summers thong set as long as local journalists drop the Anderton story in their bins.
Another Scot, Stephen O’Donnell, hooks up with the Pilgrims, prompting the Scottish National Assembly to investigate Steve Evans. ‘Quite simply, he’s a drain on our resources,’ a spokesman says. ‘Perhaps it would be easier if Boston just joined the Scottish Third Division.’
Boston are drawn against old foe Garry Hill in the FA Cup. Hill is now manager of Hornchurch who have spent an impressive amount of money on several big name players. Some Hornchurch fans fear a new Leeds United-type collapse following irresponsible transfer spending.
Hornchurch promptly collapse and are forced to sell all their best players.
November 2004
Boston win an away game at promotion hopefuls Kidderminster by four clear goals. A critically ill Pope sends Jon Sotnick his congratulations and the Queen sends her best wishes by telegram.
FA cup action as Boston entertain a hapless Hornchurch side, who crash to a 5-2 defeat despite taking a shock lead at York Street. Tam McManus scores twice after Andy Kirk feigns a hamstring injury to get home in time for CSI: Miami.
Boston place Tom Bennett on the transfer list but forget to tell him. Bennett claims he read about his imminent departure in the Lincolnshire Echo, which surprises many observers who believe most footballers can’t read newspapers. Bennett is disappointed, describing Boston as ‘a great little club.’
‘That tells you all you need to know about why we’re getting rid of this unambitious little cretin,’ says Jon Sotnick. ‘Everyone knows once we get our new ground we’ll be bigger than God.’
Steve Evans promises two more ‘major signings’ within hours. A church bell tolls…. a gentle wind blows….. tumbleweeds blow down Main Ridge…..
The FA cracks down on Evans following his outburst following the Notts County game. They fine him £2.36 and ban him from nothing for eight seconds. ‘This will send out a strong message that such behaviour won’t be tolerated,’ the FA say.
Boston United buy Daryl Clare from Chester City after the striker is listed on pricedroptv.co.uk. Sharp-eyed couch potato Jon Sotnick spots Clare being paraded on the satellite channel in the early hours of the morning and nips in the grab the only Clare in the warehouse for £25, plus £85 p+p.
Boston United report Mansfield Town fans for racist ‘monkey’ chanting shortly after the media make big news of similar behaviour by Spanish fans in Madrid.
‘I fucking hate Portuguese idiots in my fucking town,’ says one Boston United fan to his friend that evening.
Boston lose away at Roc…..ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz.
December 2004
Boston scrape through to the FA Cup third round with a 3-2 win at Edgar Street against Hereford. The highlight of the day is when Hereford fans don’t physically assault Boston fans as they leave, although a BUSA coach is hit by a neutron bomb and the nearby town is declared unfit for human habitation for the next thousand million years.
A Danny Thomas screamer is enough to see off Rushden and Diamonds on the same evening as the Coca Cola band are in town to film a segment of their patronising ‘Real Fans’ commercial.
Boston United land the glamour tie they were hoping for in the FA Cup when they land a plum fixture at Hartlepool. ‘I can’t even begin to tell you how much this will help the club,’ says Jon Sotnick, who is already planning on how best to spend the estimated $15 quadtrillion Boston will earn in television revenue.
Andy Kirk is the subject of a transfer bid from an unnamed club, believed to be Leicester City. Boston turn down the approach. ‘We’re not a selling club,’ roars a furious Steve Evans. ‘In fact, Kirk is on the verge of signing a new 25 year contract. He’s going nowhere….. NOWHERE!’
Tam McManus returns to Hibernian and is relieved to be leaving Boston. ‘Stinking cess-pit,’ he tells a Scottish newspaper. ‘Being there just made me appreciate how good life is up here with Hibs. They’re so professional compared with that bunch of no-hopers in Lincolnshire and I’m delighted to be back so I can reclaim a first team place with Hibs, who I have a new-found respect for.’
Hibernian release Tam McManus on a free transfer.
Boston’s erratic form continues with another loss at Sixfields, Northampton. Fans begin to split into two camps, pro- or anti-Evans, branded ‘Nuggets’. Controversial internet forum Pilgrims Patter is besieged by Nuggets demanding Steve Evans’ resignation. This time important Boston fan Bob Mugfret-Fishhead appeals for calm, only to have his house bulldozed, his labrador skinned and his wife thrown into The Wash from a helicopter; thankfully she sustains only ‘critical, life threatening injuries’ and, thank Lord, doctors say she will make a ‘partial recovery’.
A horrifying cold virus hits the already tiny Boston United squad. “If I have any players not available to me, I could have James Rodwell at the back and secretary John Blackwell up front against Lincoln City!” Steve Evans says prophetically, omitting Paul Raynor from the list of ridiculous subs as not to ruin the comic effect for the fans, given he will actually be naming Raynor on the bench in the coming months.
Boston beat Darlington 3-1. Darlington appear unnerved by the presence of a visible crowd.
Kevin James, not good enough even for a struggling Nottingham Forest, joins Boston on a short term loan deal, impresses, returns to Forest and turns rubbish again in the space of 48 hours.
United get tonked at Swansea in front of over 10,000 seething Welsh fans. ‘That’s it, we’re not good enough, we’ll just play out the rest of the season, it’s over,’ says a depressed Steve Evans.
January 2005
Boston travel to Cambridge and claim a narrow 1-0 victory. The win puts United within grenade-lobbing distance of the play-offs as January turns into a month of military action.
The Pilgrims earn a replay against Hartlepool after a 0-0 draw, with Adam Boyd somehow failing to score the predicted double hat-trick.
This is followed by a decent 2-0 win against Southend, a goalless draw at Shrewsbury before Hartlepool beat Boston 1-0 on the return fixture.
Swansea are in town for The Lee Trundle show! The showboating idiot dives and schemes his way to victory, enraging the locals. Tragedy strikes when the Swansea City team coach is destroyed by an improvised roadside bomb planted by insurgents on the notorious Road to Coningsby. BBC correspondent John Simpson says attacks against League Two rivals are nothing new, citing a grisly video that surfaces on the internet showing Paul Terry of Yeovil being beheaded in Fishtoft.
Flags are flying at half mast over York Street following news that ex-Pilgrim Paul Gascoigne has stepped on a landmine while filming in Uzbekistan. However, later reports that the mine suffered more damage are confirmed when Gazza turns up unscathed on a late night ITV music show claiming to the ‘the world’s biggest fan of The Cramps’.
The FA consider hitting Paul Raynor with a touchline ban after US spy satellite photos show he was responsible for planting the roadside bomb that destroyed Swansea City.
Andy Kirk is called up to the Northern Ireland squad, although it is unlikely he’ll start for Lawrie Sanchez’s side. ‘With so much talent at my disposal I can afford to rest my star strikers,’ says Sanchez from the jacuzzi he’s platonically sharing with Sir Matt Busby and Jock Stein.
Scotland declares war on Lincolnshire after Steve Evans swoops to sign Stephen Boyack. ‘Right, that’s it,’ says UN Resolution 52232.
February 2005
Boston attempt to sign Jerrome Sobers on loan, but his girlfriend is having none of it and he pulls of the deal with a virus. The Ebola virus, that is, after his partner flies to an infected country, picks up an infected chimp and scuppers any move to Lincolnshire for the rest of time.
What’s this? An away win? Yes – the unthinkable: Boston win 2-1 at Wycombe to haul themselves back into a position of hopeless optimism.
The Pilgrims follow up their shock victory with a poor display at home to Bury, letting a comfortable two-goal lead slip. Steve Evans criticises Lee Beevers and Andy Kirk, although ‘they’re critical to our success’ according to chairman Jon Sotnick.
The Big One finally arrives as the Imps roll into town, but Boston’s biggest crowd of the season are left cold following a 0-2 defeat. ‘Well, we did well,’ says Evans after the match. ‘I’m still hopeful we can make the play-offs.’ His optimism disappears the following day when he retracts his comments. ‘Actually, I take it back,’ he says. ‘We’re not good enough, we’ll just play out the rest of the season, it’s over.’ Paul Raynor attacks another coach, this time with rocket propelled grenades and small arms fire.
Boston’s AGM goes swimmingly as Sotnick’s predicted financial catastrophe goes unnoticed.
Before the derby game, Boston proudly proclaim several ‘massive clubs’ sent scouts, although it is believed they are all trying to tap up Keith Alexander rather than appraise David Noble.
Lincolnshire reels after the biggest transfer of the season as Boston sell Lee Beevers to Lincoln City for a reputed £50,000. The fans revolt, but Jon Sotnick is quick to reassure new followers of the Nugget cult. ‘We’ll use the cash to keep hold of Andy Kirk and make an offer for David Norris Plymouth Argyle simply can’t refuse,’ the chairman says.
A draw against Bristol Rovers and a pathetic loss at home to Northampton round off a very successful month.
March 2005
Steve Evans secures a new three year deal, which replaces his rolling contract that Jon Sotnick reassured worried fans with back when he re-appointed the Scotsman. ‘I had no idea a year ago this would happen,’ says Sotnick. ‘Neither did I,’ concurs a wooden Evans.
A visit to Darlington’s bizarre Williamson Motors Stadium ends in, yawn, yet another away defeat
Plymouth don’t even bother responding to Boston’s faxed bid for Norris.
Boston flog Andy Kirk. On the cheap. To Northampton. In a presumably pre-emptive strike, Scott Dalton is attacked with a cross-bow on his doorstep by a hooded Sotnick and Rob Singleton is forced into exile in Namibia.
Jim Rodwell drafts Jermaine Easter from the football equivalent of a Netto closing down sale: Cambridge reserves. Against all the odds the young striker makes an immediate impact by scoring twice off the bench as Boston thump Notts County 4-0. Visiting BBC Radio Nottingham dub Boston a ‘quaint little market town’ for the 152,250,658,526th time, but retract that comment when presenter Colin Slater is slashed by a deranged illegal immigrant from Latvia looking for a passport.
Sotnick defends his decision to sell Andy Kirk, telling a concussed Scot Dalton he blames FIFA-imposed transfer windows. ‘It doesn’t wash,’ Dalton bravely argues. ‘Then surely you’d be selling every single one of your players now in case their value drops over time?’
‘Funny you say that,’ replies Sotnick, before finishing Dalton off with the Mather Cup.
Brad Maylett signs up on loan from Swansea, although it isn’t long before he’s a fully fledged Pilgrim when impresses fans with some sparky displays. ‘When do I get to play?’ ponders Lee Thompson. ‘Ah well, there’s always next season.’
Sky, once again, televise a United defeat to the nation, this time to Yeovil Town. Thankfully most football fans are in the pub getting drunk in anticipation of the following England-Northern Ireland game so it’s highly unlikely they watch the 2-1 loss on the huge 19ft projection screens showing Sky Sports in every pub in the country.
Stephen Boyack leaves Boston as part of a peace deal brokered by NATO. He’s sent packing to Blackpool, and in return Scotland calls off its daily bombardment of strategic command and control centres in the Boston area. ‘At last we can begin the long process of rebuilding the Axe and Cleaver,’ says relieved MP Mark Simmonds from his nuclear bunker beneath the library.
The day after Boston draw 1-1 at Macclesfield, surgeons declare Lee Thompson has grown into the Boston United subs bench. Expert consultant Prof Graham Murkpill says the pair are now medically classified as conjoined twins and recommends they are flown to America to appear on Oprah ‘without delay’.
That’s it. The Review’s over. impsTALK’s just going to sit here until the end of the page.
April 2005
Still over.
May 2005
FIN.
