AGM: ‘Our crippling debts are less crippling than your crippling debts’

AGM: ‘Our crippling debts are less crippling than your crippling debts’

Boston chairman John Sotnick declared himself ‘completely satisfied’ with last night’s AGM where the true extent of Boston’s financial predicament was laid bare for all to see for 0.235 seconds.

‘The AGM was great,’ Sotnick said. ‘Not one person spotted Graph Six on the second slide.’

Boston GM John Blackwell was equally delighted after an elaborate and expensive ploy involving the Red Arrows pretending to crash into the Stump diverted shareholders’ attention from his accountancy documents.

‘The shareholders had the opportunity to peruse the documents,’ said Blackwell, ‘but thankfully they didn’t feel the need, choosing instead to watch the unfolding catastrophe behind the Town End. In the interests of the environment I’ve now shredded the paper documents, buried them in a huge block of concrete and thrown them into the Witham.’

But it was chairman John Sotnick who thrilled the meeting with his large screen presentation.

One unnamed shareholder said: ‘Sotnick produced a dazzling Powerpoint presentation, including a bewildering array of pie charts and spider graphs. Each was displayed for less than a second before we moved onto the new stadium and how cool it was going to be.’

Another shareholder expressed concern with the club’s financial predictions for the coming year. ‘I’m no accountant, in fact I failed my O-Levels, but the line on each graph seemed to plummet below the big red line in bold,’ she said. ‘I asked Sotnick what one graph meant, and he said it was Lincoln City’s predicted league position over the next five years.’

Still, doubts remain. Bob Gufftrucker, of the Inland Revenue, said: “If Boston United weren’t supplying me with vast quantities of heroin, cocaine and illegal migrants who I pimp to the local sex industry, I’d have had them closed down a long time ago.”

The stupidly-named Boston United fanzine.
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