Boston United chairman David Newton has today apologised for his poor showing in the BUFCST 5k Santa Fun Run, telling disappointed fans: ‘The vice-chairman just didn’t run fast enough’.

Newton completed the required two laps of Boston’s town centre in a disappointing time of 2 hours 15 minutes and 25 seconds, meaning the Boston United chairman was the unlucky winner of the BUFCST wooden spoon. The dejected chairman blamed a series of ‘technical problems’ with the rickshaw in which he was sitting for his poor showing.

Not good enough: vice-chairman struggling around Central Park

“And by technical problems,” Newton told this morning, “I mean, of course, Neil Kempster. I did everything possible to hurry him along: whips, a long stick with a nail jammed in the end – I even lit a can of WD-40 up his arse. Nothing worked.”

The main problem, impsTALK understands from an anonymous source wishing only to be known as long-serving Boston United FC secretary John Blackwell, is that the vice-chairman strained ankle ligaments within moments of the start, falling to the ground near Waterstones, clutching his leg and crying out in pain.

Witnesses have described how Newton started poking the stricken vice-chairman with a long stick. Important Santa Fun Run spectator Bob Mugfret-Fishhead said: “[Kempster] was holding his leg. The chairman was shouting ‘Keep going for the Chairman! Keep going! We’ve been overtaken by a dog Neil, a bloody dog!'”

Kempster was eventually forced to his feet and jogged, limped and crawled the remaining 4.9 kilometres. Newton, to his obvious horror, finished dead last.

Notable withdrawals during the race included Hull City stopper Curtis Apsden, who failed to complete the distance after making a break back for Hull.

Seconds after the start, Apsden used the commotion caused by the felling of Kempster to sprint away from the start line and make straight for Boston train station in order to catch the first available service back to Hull via Nottingham. However with the first train not until mid afternoon he was swiftly apprehended by Tommy Taylor.

“You mean that WASN’T the route?” he claimed later, feigning total ignorance after being doorstepped by impsTALK hacks. “I had no idea. I blame the marshals. I was holding the map upside down. The signs were misleading. It was all a terrible mistake. Make no mistake, I love life in the Tinpot Pub League North. Love it.”

Those BUFCST Santa Fun Fun last three finishers in full

155th: Team impsTALK – 55 minutes and 25 seconds

156th: Twix wrapper that blew around the course – 1 hour 3 minutes and 41 seconds

157th: David Newton – 2 hours 15 minutes and 25 seconds

The stupidly-named Boston United fanzine.
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