Shrewsbury 5 Boston 0: The Aftermath
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Boss, assistant boss, captain and website blame ‘individual errors, leading to collective incompetence’

Boston United’s senior players and coaching staff have called upon the Pilgrims to ‘cut out the collective incompetence’ ahead of Wednesday futile trip to ex-Just One League Below The Premiership side Brighton and Hove Albion.

Albion were relegated last season after a combined total of 651 individual errors led to the entire team being relegated into League One, a total United are set to smash by 350%.

After blaming his entire team of making mistakes immediately following the Shrew’s impressive dismantling of United’s paper-thin defence, mascara-wearing munchkin Steve Evans was far to distressed to speak to the official unofficial voice of Boston United, leaving assistant Gaffer Paul Raynor to face the music, blaming individual errors made by eleven United players for Saturday’s loss.

“At times we had the ball, or were chasing it at least, and we even had a few shots at one point,” Raynor said. “We could well have not been losing at half-time. But we threw it away as a number of individual players made a few individual errors. Then there were a few more individuals making one or two more individual errors.

“After the fourth goal went in I was forced to concede we were just collectively shite. We need to cut out the collective incompetence, or we’re going down. Going down in flames. ”

The point was echoed by lumbering centre-back Paul Ellender, the zimmer-frame brandishing veteran now in his 84th season with the Pilgrims.

“The goals we conceded were totally preventable,” he said. “Mainly by myself, obviously. But there were other players who made mistakes during the game, ten others to be precise. Afterwards we all held our hands up and recognised how utterly pathetic our performance was. To be honest, we did it after the Carlisle game. And then the Mansfield game. And the Chester game. And the Grimsby game.

“Basically – and I’ve been thinking about this quite a lot over the weekend – we need to just stop being not very good. And then we’ll be fine.”

The club’s excuses haven’t washed with irate Pilgrims fans, however.

“Of course the goals were wholly preventable,” important Boston fan Bob Mugfret-Fishhead told impsTALK. “It’s not as if we took to the pitch with a team of filing cabinets, although to be frank they would have put up greater resistance than our sorry excuse for a team. What kind of defence is that anyway? American Samoa made a number of individual errors when they lost 0-31 to Australia for Christ’s sake. Of course they did. They were shit.”

In order to help decipher the excuses posted on the Boston United website, statisticians at the University of Swineshead have issued new guidelines to local football fans to help them detect relegation-threatened League Two sides should they attempt to disguise themselves as unlucky promotion-chasing galacticos.

“Our careful analysis shows that when a team concedes two or more goals due to individual errors, it’s because they are collectively incompetent rather than just the unlucky victims of fate,” Professor Franny Pychon said, producing an extravagant slideshow of graphs, pie-charts and a laser light show to evidence his findings.

“Looking it the figures, it’s obvious to me, from a statistical standpoint, that Boston need a new team.”