impsTALK can exclusively reveal in today’s breaking news update that crisis talks are set to take place at Boston United in a bid to resolve a growing rift between Pilgrims suits David Newton and Neil Kempster.

The pair took over at York Street during a troubled summer, mounting a last ditch rescue bid to save the club from liquidation and secure it from popular comedy entertainer and part-time salesman Krazee Jimmy.

It is believed the roles of ‘Chairman’ and ‘Vice-chairman’ were decided after a best of three rock-paper-scissors competition held behind closed doors, with the pair agreeing to split the perks associated with owning a debt-ridden non-league club.

But now, just weeks into their tenure, it seems the relationship is already starting to fray.

An anonymous source, who wished only to be called ‘long serving Boston United secretary John Blackwell’ told “We were waiting in line at the buffet at a recent game when out of nowhere David just pushed in, saying ‘make way for the chairman!’. He pushed straight in front of Neil. He wasn’t happy, especially when he found out that David had eaten the last cocktail sausage.”

To compound matters, chairman Newton was clutching a CHINA plate, whereas the vice-chairman was left with a paper-based version that was rendered structurally unstable by the excess mayonnaise from the Waitrose premium coleslaw.

Neil Kempster is also responsible for polishing the boardroom table following the departure of Colin Woodcock, a task Newton allegedly felt was ‘beneath his position as chairman’ but ‘not really beneath the vice-chairman’.

In an exclusive interview with impsTALK, Neil Kempster said: “When I ventured into this with David I knew I’d be risking a considerable sum of my own personal money, not to mention the business, my good reputation and so on. I was fully aware of all that, and went into this with my eyes open.

“What I didn’t anticipate, and this is what irks me so much, is that David would be pushing in front of me for the smoked ham sandwiches. He knows I like the smoked ham best. Just because he’s the chairman, he thinks he can push me around.”

impsTALK requested an interview with United chairman David Newton, which was initially granted, but his personal assistant sent a spokesman on his behalf instead.

“What? David has a PA?” Newton’s spokesman Neil Kempster said. “A PA? Are you serious? He makes me oil the turnstiles for fuck’s sake.”

The stupidly-named Boston United fanzine.
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