Follow all the action from Wetherby Road – LIVE(ish)
Tuesday 14 August 2007 – Conference North
Kick off 7.45pm
Boston: Arsenal legend Chris Wright, Bloomer, The Amazing Crane, Ellender, ex-Busted star James Bourne, Matthews, Nicholls, Talbot, Galbraith, Froggatt, Thompson
Na na naaaah, na na naaaah, na na na na na na na na na naaah! ‘Ey up? What are you doing here? You’ve caught us in the middle of humming the new Tony Crane song we’ve written. It’s to the tune of McCartney’s frog chorus song: ‘To-ny Crane/To-ny Crane/He’s got the look of a man insane/Watch your legs/And your head/He’s just got a straight red’.
Hey, just pop the Ivor Novello in the post. Primitive ditties that could have been written by damaged thistles are all the rage these days… I mean, check out the rise of The Pigeon Detectives. But we digress, again. Footy’s back – and so are we! Yes, it’s impsTALK’s first minute by minute commentary of the season, live and direct(ish) from Boston’s first away day trip to sunny ‘Arrogat in the Blue Square Chip Premier Conference Square League!
My, how things have changed. Just over twelve months ago we were all still reeling from that number Straight Peter Bore did on us at Blundell Park, whereas now we’re all basking in the warm afterglow of a home win against Workington. And in front of nearly two thousand fans too. What a difference a year, not to mention a collapsed ground move, an embarrassing court case, a ten point deduction, a very public relegation, contentious boardroom manipulation of FA rules, a demotion, a controversial CVA, near liquidation, welcome loss of Wee Krankie Swagbag and employment of a demented horse cannibal (© Sun hack Neil Syson, 2001 ‘Bigot of the Year’ nominee) makes.
It’s almost like a new club! Not since ex-Boston manager Paul Gascoigne (© Neil Syson, The Sun) assembled arguably the most talented (and ill-advisedly expensive) squad in Boston history in 2004 have we been so excited, and our levels of hysteria reached new heights after Saturday’s three point haul. Mind you, impressive though it was, United’s opening day victory against Workington hasn’t really answered all of the questions we have about the Pilgrims’ prospects in 07/08.
How will ex-Busted star James Bourne fare against midfielders built like bouncers? Can Lee Thompson really cut it when he spends so much time doling out detentions and drafting lesson plans to keep OFSTED happy? Is Dwayne Clarke as good as he clearly thinks he is? In a race between our centre backs and a stationary brick, by what margin would the brick win? And when WILL Tony Crane just totally lose it and deck someone? (any more jibes about him being beaten for pace by a brick and you’ll probably get an answer to that sooner than you think – ed)
What we do know is that we’re in an insane, goal-crazy division, as evidenced by yesterday’s stonker between Hyde and Vauxhall Motors, and that those who keep their heads while all arou- blah. You know where we’re going with that.
We may be firm fans of ‘Nails’ Crane, but Ashley Nicholls is clearly key to United’s success this season.
At this point we would say some nice things about Harrogate – but we don’t have time. It’s a nice town. And that’s yer lot.
Yabbers – forum
1982 Eurovision Song Contest
Bardo ‘One Step Further’ video
And, grudgingly…. BBC Radio Lincolnshire online commentary
This minute by minute report powered by Kent-based foot in mouth
7.45pm – There is always a nervous moment whenever BBC Radio Lincolnshire attempt to split their feeds, because you’re never quite convinced they’re going to get it right.
Kick-off! – ‘Quite a few’ Boston fans have made the trip, and are treated to an early long distance effort from Froggatt.
5 mins – ‘Controversial’ – or ‘twisted’ (© Sun hack Neil Syson, 2001 ‘Bigot of the Year’ nominee) – fullback Robert Wesley is on the bench.
6 mins – firstname.lastname@example.org if you want to let Scott Dalton where you’re listening from. If you want to send any ‘adult’ material, however, email@example.com is yer best bet. No nude pictures please, Mick ‘The Bastard’ Taylor. I know what you’re like.
7 mins – Moment of excitement as Lee Thompson is….. caught offside.
8 mins – ‘Dealt with by Crane’ – a phrase we’re going to hear a lot of in the coming weeks.
9 mins – Danny Holland misses a great chance after a great run from James – fine save from ex-Arsenal legend Chris Wright. And, guess what, Crane is booked!! Maybe it’s for that two-footed death lunge on Saturday?
12 mins – Our first image of the evening, from Wetherby Road!
13 mins – Kenny from Kilkenny writes: ‘Confirmation on a rumour needed: The severed limbs caused by Tony Cranes challenges on attacking forwards are being sold to shady South American human organ/parts dealers in order to finance BUFC’s debt.’
14 mins – Harrogate have a corner……and waste it.
16 mins – ‘Oi!’ yells an indignant Tips. ‘It may be a figure of fun, but some of us are old enough to have lived through the embarrassment that was “bardo”. Have some taste!’
18 mins – The ‘E’ word is banned at York Street, Dalton reveals. ‘Has anyone noticed,’ notices Tom Wheelbarrow from Swineshead, ‘how the frenzied and chaotic Dalton is balanced perfectly with the calm, methodical and almost sedate Chalker? Are they testing developing drugs as a little side earner?’
20 mins – GOAL! Harrogate 0, Boston 1 – Galbraith scores! His long range effort pings of the post and JUST creeps over the line. Ex-busted star James Bourne started the move with a neat tackle and the move culminates with a fine goal!
22 mins – It took 20 minutes for Boston to score. And for me to notice that I’d not changed the team name at the stop from Wycombe to Harrogate. Jesus.
26 mins – ‘Eh?’ puzzles Tips, scratching his head. ‘How the fudge did impstalk report the goal AT LEAST ONE MINUTE before i heard in over the radio lincolnshire live net feed?’ Two words Tipsy me owld mucker. Flux capacitor.
28 mins – GOAL! Harrogate 1, Boston 1 – Danny Holland, who timed his run well to break through the United back line, equalises for the home side, lifting the ball over Chris Wright as he rushes out.
31 mins – ‘Good to see the min by min reports back,’ says the Gestapo. ‘Much better than Radio Lincs as you don’t sound like daleks who have just been sacked’ Slightly unfair, methinks, since you’ve not heard my nasal whine. Yet.
35 mins – Jackson hits the post! But he was offside…. Harrogate’s corner comes to nothing but Boston’s early promise has faded.
37 mins – Farmer Dan is a Town Ender, impsTALK can exclusively report:
38 mins – Another chance for Kirk Jackson, and his shot is flashed across the face of the goal. ‘Crane caught ballwatching,’ scolds young Craig Singleton. Pfffst!!! Careful Craig! Don’t let Tony hear you say that…
40 mins – Worrying times for Boston The pressure is ALL Harrogate and the Pilgrims can count themselves slightly fortunate not to be behind.
41 mins – ‘Tips,’ roars, er, David Wardrobe, from Friskney, ‘has no right to complain about Bardo. He still has posters of Wonder Woman, Steve Austin and the woman scratching her arse on his kitchen wall. Tell him to stop that.’
44 mins – ‘No idea why,‘ sobs SCUF, ‘because this is basically social suicide….. but there feels a need to admit that “some of us” actually bought that bloody One Step Further by Bardo single. What’s even worse, “they” actually liked it. <<“someone” hangs head firmly in embarrassment and shame>>’
45+1 – Crane wins a penalty! He dived! He’s a genius! And Froggatt….. misses!!!! Justice done, the BBC reckon. And they’re probably right.
Peep peep peeeeep! The half time whistle goes and 1-1 is about right.
Halftime #1 – Dalton is suddenly and unexpectedly drowned out by Parkin droning on about Lincoln City…. what did we tell you about BBC Lincs and their technical guys?
Halftime #2 – Tips e-mails: ‘Tell Dave Wardrobe – that picture of the tennis girl scratching her arse is iconic 70’s memorabilia, wonder woman could lasso me anytime she wanted to and Steve Austin was well worth $6M. And yes, SCUF hang your head in shame, Bucks Fizz were Kitsch, all other GB eurovision entries have been crud.’
Halftime #3 – ‘Any chance we can have something better to look at, rather than the Bardo picture,’ complains Lee Overton. ‘Can I recommend a nice Paris Hilton picture?’ To be perfectly honest, Lee, even if Paris Hilton DIDN’T look like an irradiated meerkat, we wouldn’t post a picture of her. She is, after all, a ‘sickening drink driver’ (© Sun hack Neil Syson).
Halftime #4 – Mark Isaac sends an e-mail packed full of hilarious horse ‘jokes’. Leave it to the experts Mark. We know where the line is. Mostly.
45 minutes – The second half kicks off.
47 mins – GOAL!!!! Harrogate 2, Boston 1 – Harrogate score with a corking strike from nothing, courtesy of Nathan Peat. A great strike and there was absolutely no way Arsenal legend Chris Wright was going to get to that.
50 mins – Boston are in danger of getting a right tonking here.
53 mins – Speaking of tonkings, Spurs 1, Everton 3 anyone?
54 mins – ‘My bird took all her clothes off when Boston scored and said: what turns you on more, my pretty face or my Paris Hilton body?” I looked her up and down and replied: “Your f*ckin sense of humour!” Mark Isaac attempts to steal Gary Kemsley’s crown as premier southern based club comic.
55 mins – ‘We are REALLY under the cosh here,’ warns Adam Upsall, impsTALK’s hack at Wetherby Road tonight. Boston sub – Nicholson for Matthews. Dwayne Clarke is on too.
57 mins – ‘You want tonkings?’ says Tips. ‘Try – Norwich 5-0 Barnet HT’
60 mins – Kirk Jackson fluffs a chance to bury Boston!
65 mins – ‘They’ve been a nice footballing side,’ purs Dalton as Harrogate continue to tear into Boston, with Nathan James having free reign.
67 mins – GOAL! Harrogate 3, Boston 1 – That’s it for Boston methinks! A defensive howler lets Harrogate extend their lead with something of a scrambled goal. Ellender missed it and the ball was prodded in off the bar by Dave Merris.
68 mins – TONY CRANE HITS THE BAR!!!!! What!?! Did he knock his HEAD on the bar??
71 mins – Pat Everitt offers us some much needed ‘adult’ material:
72 mins – ‘In case anyone is still bearing Steve Evans ill will…… Exeter 2-0 Crawley Town: B Thomas (og 57),’ chuckles Tips. ‘And while we’re at it: Doncaster 3-0 Lincoln City: P Heffernan (59)… a follow up to their 0-4 hammering on Saturday!’
74 mins – Kirk Jackson again has a wonderful chance to score, but Chris Wright is at hand to save United. Boston have been slaughtered, frankly. A real eye opener this. Medine set to come on.
75 mins – Harrogate score! But the offside flag is raised. And the first red card of the evening goes to…… drum roll…….. no it’s not Tony Crane. Danny Holland, scorer of the first goal, is dismissed for probably telling the linesman he’s a….er…. well, y’know. He trots off to applause from the home fans.
75 mins – Tips fixes his delay: ‘Just noticed someone (probably me, in fact it’s almost a certainty) had clicked on the slider on the real player and it was playing 2minutes late – DOH!‘ Hey Tips, with technical skills like that you could get a job with the BBC!
79 mins – Time running out now for Boston… Dalton is ploughing through the e-mails on BBC Radio Lincolnshire, whose online commentary has been first class.
80 mins – Boston on the break and Dean Nicholson, with a wonderful chance to score, spanks the ball way over the bar while trying some kind of spectacular chip.
84 mins – Well, I really do fear for Saturday. Telford are the league’s giants and, backed by a much larger crowd than that at Wetherby Road, will probably pose an even tougher test than Harrogate. Shudder.
85 mins – GOAL!!!!! Harrogate 3, Boston 2 – I LOVE being proved emphatically wrong!! Dwayne Clarke scores for Boston! Five minutes to go!
87 mins – Corner for Boston! Come on Crane…. he gets his head to the ball but can’t direct the ball on target.
88 mins – ‘I thought impsTALK would steal the show this evening but I was wrong,’ says some shitpuppet e-mailing BBC Lincolnshire. What? Go on: own up. Own up. Who the hell was that?
90+1 – Tense finish! Ellender is penalised for a foul and the ball is back with the home side. The crowd cheers with relief.
90 + whatever – a sudden deluge of e-mails into impsTALK HQ from fans desperate to distance themselves from the scandalous remarks sent to Scott threaten to overwhelm my inbox.
Peep peeep peeeeeeep!! Full time!! Harrogate 3, Boston 2. And what an entertaining 90 minutes that was. In marked contrast to the thoroughly miserable away games as a League club, this was cracking end to end stuff. Well, mostly Boston’s end, to be fair. But wonderful stuff, despite the result.
Reflections – Harrogate could have had nine or ten, to paraphrase a certain convicted criminal. Boston’s defending was unexpectedly poor, but there’s no denying the quality of Harrogate’s attacking play. The fact that they had pace will certainly worry Tommy Taylor, who can hardly rely on Ellender and Crane to counter the threat.
And that’s yer lot! Cheers for your e-mails and pictures. Special thanks to roving impsTALK hound Adam Upsall for insight and images from Wetherby Road. The next min-by-min MIGHT, MIGHT be Telford on Saturday. It depends on (a) if I can get back from London in time and (b) if I stop off in Telford on the way back from London or not. Cheers! Pete