EVANS NOT RESIGNING OVER ‘HOOF-GATE’ SCANDAL
Untold numbers of ex-BUFC players roaming streets
Who is thinking of the children?
Play-off chasing Boston United’s™ record-breaking legend™ Steve Evans is under growing pressure to resign his position tonight over the release of several dangerous hoof-ball offenders, many of whom have committed further crimes against football since their release from York Street.
The scandal emerged last week when impsTALK, in a breaking news development, revealed how innumerable purveyors of the long ball game were accidentally released from custody without being considered for deportation to Boston Town FC.
Players accidentally released include Noel ‘toe-nog’ Whelan, Ben ‘fuckin’ ave it!’ Futcher, Jason ‘lump it’ Lee and 5874 other players detained on one month loan deals.
The high security York Street detention facility is already home to some of the most unstable hoof-ball merchants in the UK, serial ball-thumper Lee ‘Cape’ Canoville the most notorious, with the squad being managed like the ruined Chernobyl nuclear reactor – from a distance with tongs.
The released players were set free and moved away from the town over a period of nine months without being properly managed once on the street. Nobody knows for sure how many aimless, lofted punts up field have occurred around the country as a result, but one expert has estimated that a startling 597% increase in pointless goal kicks is to be expected outside of Lincolnshire during the 06/07 season.
Despite the fiasco, Evans continues to cling onto his tenuous position and has received the backing of boardroom table polisher Colin Woodcock.
“Steve is real asset to Boston United,” Woodcock gushed, prompting sinister Lavaflow boss Jon Sotnick to try and sell his cuddly Scottish munchkin for residential redevelopment.
Despite the backing of such an influential figure, pressure is slowly being heaped on Evans. Victims in Grimsby have been furiously demanding Evans’ resignation after Ben Futcher caused massive emotional and psychological trauma following his release from Boston.
“We have some good padlocks here,” important Grimsby fan Alf Tugshaft-Codhead told impsTALK, “But not even that could stop the towering tonker from barging his way in and booting the ball off for a goal kick straight from kick-off. Think of the children! My God – think of the children!”
Meanwhile, in a not-at-all contrived and somewhat ironic twist, it has recently been discovered that the 43 year old Scottish national Evans, who was implicated in breaking FA Rule E3 after being ejected by police into the wild streets of Cleethorpes back in February, was considered for deportation to his home country following a string of earlier offences – but it was considered that he would be the subject of torture by bagpipes if returned to Scotland.
Important Daily Mail reader Bob Mugfret-Fishhead said: “It’s a bloody disgrace, all foreigners need stringing up and hitting with pool cues, and that includes the Scottish.”
The Boston United FC Supporters Trust ignored the latest dramatic developments at York Street, choosing instead to release a statement condemning the recent construction of a stone circle near Amesbury in Wiltshire.
“This newly constructed stone temple and earth mound is a white elephant and, quite frankly, an embarrassment for the Druids,” a statement on the Trust website said.